Illness Protocol
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: In which Erza shares with Lucy all of her procedures on how to deal with a sick Natsu. You know, just in case she ever needs them... - One-shot.


Illness Protocol

"Wow," Lucy remarked as she stared at where Natsu was balled up in the bed, a blanket covering him as he shivered regardless. "I didn't even know you could get sick, Natsu."

"Sick?" he grumbled from around the thermometer Erza had shoved in his mouth. "I know no such word!"

Happy snickered from where he was standing on the bed with him. "I think we'd all believe that."

"Quit talking," Erza commanded as she stood over him as well, arms crossed over her chest, a frown planted on her face. "I must take your temperature."

The whole thing had begun only an hour ago when Happy arrived at Lucy's house alone. It was rather early in the morning and she was still in bed. Not that it stopped the Exceed from barging right in through the window.

"Lucy!" he complained, jumping right into bed with her. "You gotta get up! It's the middle of the day!"

Used to these sorts of things from the cat and his buddy, she hardly opened her eyes. "It's six in the morning and hardly justifies as the middle of the day. And Natsu, what are you- Hey, he's not here."

The Exceed nodded as, after jumping around in her bed some, he settled atop her stomach. "That's why I came! He's actin' real funny."

"Really?" Blinking, Lucy just stared at him. "Funny how?"

"Well, last night he went to bed without eating anything and then, this morning he was moaning and holding his stomach and I came to get you." Happy sniffled some, actually sounding worried. Concerned, Lucy sat up some then and scratched behind his ears. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

"I dunno, Happy," she sighed before gently lifting him up and setting him on the bed. "Just give me a sec, huh? To get dressed. And then-"

"Uh…Lucy?" he asked slowly then.

"Hmmm?"

"Why's it sound like someone's moving around in there?" He pointed to the door leading to her bathroom. "Do you have company?"

"Well, yeah, I-"

"Is it," he began as he tossed his paws over his mouth, the tears that had been welling in his eyes disappearing as his concern for Natsu died and his drive for drama was raised, "a man?"

"What? No. It's-"

"Ah. Happy. I thought I heard voices."

The thought of a dramatic reveal was burst for Happy then as Erza Scarlet walked out of the bathroom, nodding slightly at him.

"You?" He tried hard not to sound disappointed, but it was near impossible. "Awe man."

Erza frowned at the Exceed as she strode into the room. "Do not sound too excited."

"I thought that you were Lucy's boyfriend or something."

"Or something," Lucy remarked as she went over to her dresser to pull out some clothes for the day. "And you know, cat, it's kind or rude of you to make assumptions about me. I am a lady, after all."

"If you say so." Jumping from the bed then, he noticed for the first time the pallet on the floor. "She made you sleep on the floor, Erza? Wow."

"It is her apartment, after all," she reasoned. "Besides, it was rather impromptu."

"Uh-huh. Impromptu. Yep. I understand. I-"

Sighing, Lucy glanced over at Happy. "It means-"

"I know what it means!"

"Of course you do." Shaking her head as she took her clothes into the bathroom, she said, "Give me a sec and we can go, alright?"

"Go?" Erza walked over to Happy then to stare down at him. "Where are the two of you headed off to? And without Natsu, I might add?"

Oh yeah. Happy frowned then as he remembered his original goal. Leave it to him to be distracted by Lucy and her (nonexistent) romantic life.

Bringing the tears back almost on command, the Exceed tilted his head up to stare at the swordswoman as he said, "He's dying or something, I think, and I came to get Lucy so that-"

"What? Natsu is in trouble? Then what are we waiting around for?" Turning from the cat, she marched right over to Lucy's bathroom door and popped it open.

"Hey! Erza, I'm getting-"

"Come." She grabbed the woman by the back of the shirt just as she slipped it on. "We have to go. Natsu is in trouble."

"Why does this always happen to me?" Lucy complained as she was drug along, still struggling to put on her boots and narrowly managing to grab her keys on the way out. "I mean honestly?"

"Hehe." Happy took to the air to follow them, using the door for once as they were. "Erza cares more about Natsu than you do, Lucy. No wonder everyone likes her better."

"Shut it, cat."

Eventually Erza released Lucy though it wasn't until they were out on the street. They set off for Happy and Natsu's little house from there, the Exceed leading the way. It was just as rundown as usual when they arrived, Erza remarking on its state of disarray almost immediately.

"Have you ever heard of cleaning, Happy?" she asked the Exceed with a frown.

"We're too busy for that sorta stuff."

"You have a huge hole in the roof," Lucy pointed out. "Surely you can find the time to get that fixed."

"You have a big hole in your head and it keeps yappin', but you never shut it."

"Why am I helping you again?"

Snickering, Happy called out as he went through the gapping open front door, "Because you _love_ Natsu."

"You sure had me with another guy back at the apartment," she grumbled. "Or have you forgotten about that already?"

"You're definitely the type to have multiple guys hanging around, Lucy," he assured her.

"Hey-"

"Yes." Erza nodded in confirmation. "I get that vibe as well."

"I really don't like you guys," the celestial mage sighed as she just headed into the house behind them. "Just so you know."

Inside the house, they found it to be just as disgusting as usual, fish bones littering the ground along with bottles and remnants of other food. The sound of Natsu's moans were very clear though and they all rushed to find what was wrong with him.

"Natsu," Lucy breathed as Erza, at the sight of him, quick transformed into her usual nursing uniform. Then, clipboard in hand, she moved to shove a thermometer in his mouth and, well, here they were.

"Uh," the blonde tried after Erza requested his silence. "I don't think that will work, you know."

"Hmmm?"

"Taking his temperature or whatever," Lucy went on. "He's kinda always hot."

"Hear that, Natsu?" Happy patted him gently on the head. "Lucy thinks you're hot."

"Happy," she complained.

"I am hot," he grumbled softly. "So hot. I'm burning up. Huh, Erza?"

She only frowned though as she reached out to take the thermometer from him. "I suppose you guys are right. This will not work. We will have to figure out another way to determine if he is truly ill or not."

"Uh, Erza? Not be to be a bother or something," Happy said as he stared at her. "But I think we can go ahead and say that he is sick."

"Not sick," Natsu grumbled through his moans. "No way."

"Ah. See then?" Erza nodded. "You, Happy, were worried for nothing."

Lucy only blinked. "You can't be serious. You'll just take his word for it?"

"Why shouldn't I? Natsu is not a child. If he says he is not sick-"

"I'm not."

"-then I believe him." Nodding her head, she said, "Now, if we could get back to what we were dealing with before we went to sleep last night-"

"Say." Happy, much to Natsu's chagrin, used the slayer as a trampoline as he bounced on his stomach before onto the messy floor next to the bed. "What were you guys-"

"Little buddy, that hurt," he moaned as Happy only snickered.

"I thought you weren't sick, Natsu?" Lucy asked as she only reached out to gently push some of his sweaty hair back off his forehead.

"I'm not."

"Uh-huh."

"We," Erza explained to the Exceed, "were busy devising a trip."

"A trip, huh?" Happy bounced with excitement. "Oh boy! Where are we goin'?"

"We're," Lucy grumbled as she looked around the room for some sort of cloth or something, "not going anywhere."

"Awe, Lucy, you can't come?" Happy sighed. "Well, what can you do?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it!"

As she walked off to locate a washcloth, Erza shook her head down at the Exceed.

"You," she told him simply, "are not invited."

"Huh? How do you figure?"

"It's a girls' trip," Lucy called from the bathroom. "Do you guys serious not have a single clean- Oh. Here's one."

"Girl?" Happy frowned. "That's racism!"

"Sexism," Erza corrected. "And yes. It is."

"That's not fair!"

"I am not understanding why you are stating obvious facts."

Balling up his fists, Happy said, "You two can't go somewhere alone! What if you need Natsu to help you fight someone? Or for me to fly you up somewhere high? Clearly, you two just aren't thinking with your heads."

"Here, Natsu." Lucy was back in the room then, a wrung washcloth in her hand. "Let me put this on your head."

"Is it a kiss?"

"Shut up, Happy," she said, shooting him a glare as she passed. "Lay on your back, Natsu."

"No. I'm not sick."

"Natsu-"

"I'm not."

"You know it's not a sign of strength, right?" she complained. "To just deny when you're injured? Or sick?"

"Not sick."

"Oh, Natsu."

Erza, still unconcerned with Natsu, addressed Happy by saying, "It is for a special occasion."

"Such as?"

"It's Mira's birthday," she said. "And Lucy has decided that we will take her, Lisanna, Cana, and Levy out with us to-"

"So you're all leaving?" Happy wasn't having any of that. "This is an outrage! A blockade of justice! A-"

"You know," Lucy said, glancing over at him. "Wendy's staying behind so that means Carla will be too. And with everyone else gone, well, you and her will be able to-"

"Oh, no, yeah, you girls can go." Happy waved a hand at them. "Have fun. Take more people. Like Bisca. And Laki. Ooh, take Wendy, but _leave Carla_. Take all the guys too! Just me and Carla in the guild would be perfect."

"Something tells me that wouldn't have much of an affect. Even if you were the last two Exceeds around… Hey. For awhile you two actually thought you were the only two and she still didn't-"

"You're so mean, Lucy!" Happy glared at her. "You jerk."

"Me? You've been rude to me all day."

"Have not."

"Have too."

"Have not." Sniffling, Happy looked to Natsu. "Lucy's being mean to me and you're not even going to do anything?"

"Kinda busy, little buddy."

"Yeah," Lucy grumbled as she finally laid the washcloth over his sweaty forehead. "Being sick."

"Not sick."

"Oh hush."

"Anyhow," Erza went on. "Lucy and I have found a very nice resort for us to treat Mirajane to. We have scoured through many things and decided upon this specific one. It will be nice quite, I am sure, for us all to get away, but her especially."

"Yeah," Lucy agreed as she sat on the edge of Natsu's bed, tentatively reaching out to lay a hand on Natsu's stomach. When he didn't shove it off, she gently rubbed it for him. "Mirajane does a lot for us."

"I never said she didn't," Happy complained. "But you sure never have done anything for my birthday."

Groaning, Lucy looked at him. "Well, when's your birthday then, Happy?"

"What? Am I supposed to remember everything now?"

"Look, you stupid cat-"

"The two of you bickering is aiding in nothing," Erza remarked while reequipping back into her normal armor. "Since it is clear that Natsu is not ill, Lucy-"

"Would you stop saying that when it's obvious he is?" the celestial mage asked.

"-we shall be taking our leave now. Come, Happy. And Natsu, you too."

"Huh?" Happy frowned up at her. "He can't come. He's writhing in pain over there."

"I'm not writhin' nowhere."

"You were the one that took a dive off his stomach a minute ago," Lucy pointed out. "Though, Erza, I agree. Natsu's sick."

"Not sick."

"Would you just shut up and accept it?"

Still, Erza only came over to grab at the slayer. "Come then, Natsu. If you are so well-"

"Hey, Erza! No. My stomach is killin' me and I-"

"And you what?"

"I…I'm sick."

She'd started to pick him up, but dropped him then, at his words. Nodding her head, she said, "There. Do you not feel better already? Just from admitting it?"

"No!" Then, after a moment of thought, he said, "I felt a little better when you rubbed my stomach, Lucy."

Rolling her eyes, she reached back out to do it some more. "Of course you did."

"Now." Erza took to pacing. "When do you remember first acquiring your illness?"

"You make it sound like he bought it or something," Happy mumbled as he jumped back onto the bed. That had less to do with checking on Natsu and more to snicker at the fact that Lucy was giving him a belly rub.

"Last night," Natsu groaned. "And lower, Luce."

She moved her hand down. "Here?"

"Lower."

"I am _not_ going lower than that, Natsu."

Happy threw his furry paws over his mouth. "Should Erza and I give you guys a minute?"

"Why would we do that?" Erza came to a stop. Then, staring suspiciously at Lucy, she asked, "Is there something I should be made aware of?"

"What? No. He-"

"Lower." Natsu finally just reached out and took Lucy's hand in his. That was short lived though as he placed it then right above his waist and on the right side of his body. "It hurts here."

"Really?" Erza shoved Lucy out of the way then (none too gently at that) to inspect him. "Right here?"

"Well don't poke it! Stop it, Erza!"

"Hmmm." She continued to prod at the spot despite his protests. "What could possibly be-"

"Uh," Lucy tried from the floor where she'd been unceremoniously tossed in Erza's overzealousness. "I think I can help."

"Really?" Happy perked up then, glancing over the side of the bed to stare at her. "You know what's wrong with Natsu?"

"Maybe," she said as she slowly got back to her feet. "I think, Natsu, that you might have appendicitis."

"Oh, no, Luce, it's not cider season."

"I said appendicitis, not apple cider!"

"Appendicitis, huh?" Erza looked up, as if in thought. "And the cure for that is what now?"

"You have to have your appendix taken out," Lucy told them. "I did when I was a kid."

"You wanna take something out of me?" Natsu frowned at her. "No way!"

"Yeah, Lucy. You're so insensitive," Happy complained.

"How is that insensitive?"

"It just is. How would you like it if I suggested takin' your liver out? Or your heart?"

"If they were going to rupture and kill me? I wouldn't mind at all."

"Rupture?" Natsu's eyes grew big. "That sounds bad."

"It is bad," she said. "You could die, Natsu. Now come on. Can you move? We're going to have to get you to a doc-"

"No doctor!"

'Oh, Natsu."

"No. Doctors are stupid."

"Right," she sighed. "Because you and Happy are just shining orbs of intelligence."

"Thank you."

"I wasn't being-"

"No doctor you say?" Erza didn't transform into her nurse's outfit that time, instead just reequipping one of her standard swords into her hand. "Alright then. Lucy, hold him down. Happy, go boil me some water."

"Uh…should I ask why?" Lucy asked slowly.

"Is it not obvious?" Erza held out her sword for Happy to go put into the water she wanted him to boil, as to sterilize it. "I will perform the surgery myself."

"What?"

"Uh, no." Natsu was scrambling to get up then, holding at his stomach the whole time. "No way. I-"

"It is the only option, I am afraid." Erza shook her head at him. "I could knock you out first, if you would rather. And Lucy, do you have any spirit proficient at sewing?"

"You can't be serious," the celestial mage said as she tried to just keep Natsu in the bed so that he didn't bolt out of the house. If he really did have appendicitis, the last thing she wanted was for him to go hide out in the woods in his stubbornness. "Erza."

"Oh, quite," she assured her. "Now, Natsu, I am not quite sure what an appendix looks like, so just to be certain, are their any internal organs you most definitely would like to keep? Or once I am in there should it be a free-for-all?"

"Take me to a doctor, Luce!" Natsu threw his arms around her. "And quickly!"

"N-Natsu-"

"Ah. So you have decided to go, all on your own?" Erza shrugged. "No need for sterilization, Happy, we shall be heading to the hospital."

The cat, who was struggling just to drag Erza's heavy weapon across the floor, frowned at that. "Don't go, Natsu! She just said they're going to sterilize you!"

"Not him, you idiot," Lucy complained. "She meant the sword."

"Sterilize whatever you want," Natsu panted. "Just don't let Erza be the one to cut me open!"

"I am hurt by your lack of confidence," the swordswoman remarked as Lucy only frowned at her.

"You're the one just admitted you don't know what an appendix even is," she pointed out. Erza only came over to the bed and, with no grace at all, tossed Natsu over her shoulder.

"My stomach," he moaned as Happy just watched in awe. "I think I'm dying."

"Not yet you're not," Erza said. "Now come, Happy, Lucy. Onward to the doctor's office!"

"Coming." Happy was quick to leave the sword behind though that didn't matter as Erza sent it back into her reequip space without even sparing it a glance. With a sigh, Lucy headed after them.

"Only in this guild could a simple medical checkup be such a hassle," she grumbled as Natsu moaned from Erza's shoulder.

It was a bit later that Lucy found herself alone with the reequip mage again. They had arrived at the clinic and sent Natsu off to be examined, Happy tagging along with his buddy.

"Hey, Erza?" Lucy asked as they sat in the waiting room. She was flipping through a magazine and hardly glanced over at the blonde.

"Hmmm?"

"All that stuff before…back at Natsu's place? About not thinking he was sick or trying to perform the surgery on him-"

"Yes? What about it?"

"W-Well…" Lucy was trying to figure out how to ask if the woman was being her usual overconfident and straightforward self without offending the woman. When Erza did glance at her though, she read the question off her face and sighed.

"I have known Natsu for many years," she told the younger woman simply. "He is too hardheaded to do most things just from someone telling him. You must trick him into believing he made the decision. So, typically, I present him with the correct choice and an impossible one. Are you sick? If not, I will make you trek out of the woods and all the way to the guildhall. Do you want to go to a doctor for the surgery? If you don't, I will cut you open myself and perform it. There is only one true choice in either of those and, as always, Natsu makes the right one."

Lucy blinked. Then, slowly, she said, "That's creative."

"Of course." Erza went back to her magazine. "It's not hard to outsmart him anyhow."

"But…"

"What is it?"

"Natsu's kind of an idiot," she said slowly. "I mean, don't get me wrong, he's not stupid, but-"

"It is only us. Your bluntness is not offensive."

"Well, it's just… What if Natsu had chosen for you to cut him open? What would you have done then?"

Lifting her head once more, Erza thought. Then she shrugged.

"After the preliminary cut," she said simply, "I'm sure he would be singing a different tune."

"Or you could have killed him."

"Yes, well, all doctors have some sort of mortality rate."

"You're not a doctor!"

Still, Erza only smiled at her. "You are welcome to the technique, you know."

"Technique? Of tricking him?" When the other woman nodded, Lucy only frowned. "Why would I use it?"

"Something tells me that one day, it will not be me looking after he and Happy, but rather you."

"What's that supposed-"

"Now." Just like that, Erza closed her magazine and looked at Lucy full on. "About this girls' weekend…"

Much later and after a few boring hours spent up at a hospital, Lucy and Erza were finally able to go back to see their patient. Happy, who'd eventually been sent to go sit with them, was the first one in the room.

"Natsu!"

"No, little buddy, don't-"

"Happy, don't dive into his stomach! He just had surgery!"

Erza only smiled though as the slayer glared down at the Exceed who stared sheepishly up at him in turn.

"You are feeling better then, I take it, Natsu?" she asked as she came over to his hospital cot.

"No," he grumbled as Happy settled against him, much gentler that time. "They took my index!"

"Your appendix," Lucy said with a roll of her eyes as she came over to him as well. "And it's fine. Your body doesn't need it."

"Uh, I think I'll have final say so on what my body needs and what it doesn't, Luce, thanks."

"If you truly believe that," Erza said, glancing around. "I am sure I can find where they trashed your appendix and reattach it to you."

"N-No thanks. I-"

"No, come, Natsu. They have already sewn you up, but I will simply-"

"I'm said no thanks!"

Lucy only giggled though, staring down at him. For as zany as Erza was, she did seem to have a pretty secure way to get him to make the right decision. Maybe she would have to take that for herself…

"Ew, Natsu," Happy snickered. "Lucy's making googly eyes at you!"

"I am not, you stupid cat."

Natsu only glanced over at his blonde friend then before saying, "Thanks for tellin' me, Luce, what was wrong with me. You're a real great doctor. You should become one."

"Uh, no, I think I'm good."

"No, really, you-"

"Natsu," Happy complained. "If Lucy became a doctor, then she'd have to leave the guild and we couldn't have so much fun teasing her all the time."

"Teasing?" Lucy frowned. "You flat out torment me, cat."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do-"

"If you insist on bickering," Erza complained, crossing her arms over her chest. "The two of you are welcome to do it outside."

Natsu just took to staring up at Lucy. "Never mind then. You shouldn't be a doctor. You should just stay with us forever."

Happy snickered as Lucy only smiled.

"He _loves_ you," the Exceed whispered.

"Although," Natsu continued. "I do have something to ask you, Luce. Medical wise."

"You do realize that we're in a hospital, right? Full of people with actual degrees that can actually help you?"

Still, he only stared. "Now that they took my index-"

"Appendix."

"-when do I get to eat that butt load of ice cream I always hear about? Huh?"

"Natsu, you idiot, that's when you get your tonsils taken out. To soothe your throat."

"Huh?" He frowned. "Hey! Then get them back in here and have them take those too! I want my free ice cream!"

"Do you even know what tonsils are?" Lucy complained.

"I know that if I don't have them they have to fork over ice cream," he grumbled. "What else is there to know?"

"I second that," Happy agreed before opening his mouth. "Erza. Take out my tonsils!"

But the swordswoman only looked to Lucy and, with a sigh, the celestial mage realized it was her turn. Erza was passing the torch.

"Now, guys," she said slowly. "I could cut out your tonsils and give you ice cream-"

"Yeah, yeah, hurry up and just do it."

"Yeah, Luce!"

"-but if I do," she continued, "you will be indebted to me forever and always and have to do my bidding."

Happy closed his mouth before glancing up at Natsu. "Don't we already kinda do that?"

"Well, we save her butt from peril nearly ever day, so I don't see how that could be much different."

Then they both called out, "Ah!" as they waited for her to reach in there and snip their tonsils out.

Erza rolled her eyes as Lucy shrugged at her. She still had a lot to learn.

"Alright, boys," Erza said, reequipping a sword into her hand once more. "Keep those mouths open and just let me-"

"No, never mind!" Happy shut his quickly, even tossing his paws over his mouth. Through them, he mumbled, "Big sword. Tiny mouth. Won't mix."

Natsu closed his trap as well. Lucy was one thing. Erza cutting around in his mouth just spelled disaster.

"Fine then." Erza sent her sword back. "Then I can trust that the two of you will be fine for a bit? Lucy and I must go get to work on booking the hotel rooms for Mirajane's birthday surprise. But if I can't leave you alone here-"

"We'll be good," Happy said through his paws.

"Yeah, Erza," Natsu agreed. "Just don't cut us up."

And, with a nod, she headed out of the room, Lucy giving them a little wave and called out that they'd be back later that night before she followed along behind.

"Wow, Erza," she remarked once they were out on the street. "I don't know how you deal with them constantly. I mean, is Natsu always like that when he's sick?"

Slowly, she nodded. Then, as if as an afterthought, "Just wait. If you think that Gray strips frequently now, wait until you encounter him during a middle of one of his illnesses and he thinks he has a fever."

The thought alone made Lucy blush. "Yeah, I don't think I need to be involved in that."

Erza only shrugged. "It is your choice, of course. Natsu can be yours, if that is what you want."

"M-Mine? What do you-"

"Your duty." Frowning, the older woman glanced at her. "To care for when he's sick. What else could I possibly mean?"

"Uh, that's what I was wondering too," Lucy said slowly before grinning at her. "But uh, what's the protocol with Gray? Just in case? Do you have to trick him like you do Natsu and Happy? Or-"

"Oh, no. Gray is much too smart for that."

"Then-"

"I only threaten that if he will not put on clothes and go down to the doctor then I will strip down as well, in solidarity, and sit with him until he feels better."

Lucy blinked. Then she looked off. "Yeah, you can definitely have Gray."

"If you say so."


End file.
